Family

I always hear that friends will come and go, but your family will always be there. Desirable, but not true for me.

I work for a traditional family and I see the closeness and "normalcy" that I never had.

My partner is from a divorced and very blended family, but both sides still love and embrace her. Thankfully, they accept and embrace me too.

Even though I resisted at first, and felt the need to avoid and bow out, Tanya really wanted me at family events. I did it for her and I unexpectedly got something for myself. A loving family... they really feel like family to me.

We just got back from Tanya's sister's wedding, and I was included; asked to be part of it. Wow, I will be writing a letter to express my appreciation for that. After almost 2 years I now look forward to family events knowing that they will be fun and memorable. What a gift for me... they need to know that they are a gift.

My family is not the same. Broken beyond repair. I have come to terms with that. I now do my best to get to know the members of my family I did not know before adulthood.

I avoid my older sister who I grew up with. Only 12 months older, she has a way of trashing me for all my personal work and healing; my beliefs are invalidated... I am invalidated. She can minimize important issues and her serious problems. I feel sorry for her. She just doesn't understand.

She cannot understand the concept of resolution and healing. She has such high expectations for us as a family... mother, her, 2 sisters (one purposely missing), her son now 16... it will never be. She struggles with everything in her life and seems to resent me for the place I take in the world. I can function substance free and have a loving committed relationship. I am not rich but I keep my head above water. I am educated and employed. I pay my bills and have an insured car, and for this she resents me. I ask for simple human respect without expectation. We could not be more opposite. She believes I should be more like her. She views me as selfish.

I was taken from most of my family by age 6 and raised/abused/neglected by my mother. She drank. She isolated and controlled us. Even when we were left home alone the fear she instilled in me controlled my every move. I ran away first at age 10 but was returned home by the police. I got away semi-permanently at age 15. At age 17 I was engaged to be married as a permanent solution.

After going back and begging for motherly love time and time again only to leave with disapproval and rejection, I stayed away. In early 1988, at age 23, I decided I could do it no more. I didn't. Her loathing of me was never about my sexuality; I only came out in 1987. It was always about my desire for autonomy.

My sister believes that my refusal to call my mother is just my need for control. She has no concept of a chaos/crisis free life. It is like trying to make the blind see. She believes I am simply selfish.

My dad was eventually denied all access to me, and in February 1976 I was moved from England to Canada. I rarely saw him after 1970, and had no contact from 1976-1994. A man I never knew, a man who was in my view also abused by my mother and had his children stolen from him, came to find us in 1994. Although it is difficult and sometimes awkward, and even though I have only spent a total of 9 weeks with him between 1994-2004, I have formed a better relationship with him and my step siblings than with the mother who raised me and the sisters from my own household.

My Dad is proud of me, my Dad accepts me and all of his children (7) no matter what. My Dad relates to my mind and values; he admires me. I have always desired that from a parent, yet having it feels strange. I will see him again this year. We are going to England for his 70th birthday. I am excited that Tanya will be with me and I can show her part of my childhood. Last time I went I felt so displaced and homesick. It will be different now. It will be relaxed and fun.

My Dad lives in the same town he lived in when I was 4... just down the street from our last home together. I never lived in the same place or went to the same school for more than two years. As an adult, when I had an apartment for almost 5 years it felt like an eternity. I have, however, now lived in the same city (albeit many homes) for 22 years.

Family is what you make it. I will make it :o)